This is something that I've been thinking about quite a bit recently. I've had a lot of down time to myself so sometimes I sit around and wonder just why I spend so much money on clothes, makeup , accessories, and so on. After all there are definitely more productive things I could be doing with my days then dressing up and wondering around waiting to show off what I've put together that day, but none the less, that's what I do with my free time.
I've really always dabbled in my clothing. Ever since my last year in Junior high, I've had a strange taste in what type of clothe I cover my body with. My quirky sense of style probably came from the fact my mother had always told me as long as I didn't look like I was trying to give it away, she didn't care what I wore. So as long as I didn't look like a prostitute (which let me promise you, being the little goth kid I was made that rather easy) I was free to wear whatever I wanted.
It wasn't until my freshman year of college though that I really started to experiment with my clothing. Having moved out of the house I had no quiet judgement on what I had left the house in, and while my parents were never vocal about disapproving in my style, there's always a little bit more embarrassment leaving your parents house in strange clothing then there is flicking off your roommates if they give you a strange look.
At first my outfits were really nothing special. I wanted to start doing more J fashion looks, having spent most of my free time on tumblr, and seeing the things people would wear there made me want to mimic it. I drew a lot of inspiration from Gyaru, since that was really my first really impression of J fashion and made due with what I had in my closet. My clothing started to act as the way I would introduce myself to people. I wouldn't say I was a shy person, but moving away to a new city and a new school can make things a little intimidating, but whenever I came over to try and talk to someone for the first time, and they would tell me they thought I was cute, it instantly made it easier to get to know the people in the area.
As time went by I began to experiment with things that I had seen from other popular online J fashion models, following Tokyo Fashion and Kera models to help see what was popular in japna. I found the aesthetic of J fashion fun, loud, and much more experimental then the fashion that was popular in the US at the time. I've always been a rather loud and outgoing person so I liked the idea of my clothes reflecting that. I started to embrace the baggy, top heavy asthetic. Loose shirts, thigh highs, and heels.
Clothing was what helped me get through the day. Around this time, I started to suffer from rather sever depression. I was forced to move away from my college and my friends because of a car accident, and I started to feel depressed with the idea that I didn't get to see the people closest to me anymore. There were days when I literally could not drag myself out of bed. And I think around this time was when I really started to let clothing do a lot for me.
I really started using clothing as a way to get past the things that pained me. I've always suffered from huge self esteem problems.The source of which, put simply, is a boy I thought I cared quite a bit about. However, when I put on these clothes, my wardrobe became a shield. My clothing became an armor of sort, an armor that made me feel like something special, the invisible level 90 warlock of the Island. I felt like I could separate how I felt about my physical appearance from what I was wearing that day. Even if I was having a horrible day, and I felt disgusting. I knew that at least my clothes looked fantastic, and the idea that people would be looking at my outfit instead of my was comforting.
I got to meet some amazing people because I let my clothing start to speak for me. Other people who were not afraid to let anyone tell them how to act or how to dress. People who experimented with things they enjoyed.
For me, clothing is more then a means of getting dressed in the morning
Its the ultimate expression of my personality. It tells you so much about who I am without even having to meet you. It's helped me become a little more confident in who I am, and at the same time acting as an armor to the things I'm uncomfortable with. My clothing is who I am.
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